Dear Mouthy Mommas,
I find myself in a strange quandary as my kids get older and I'm hoping you can help me!
I have two daughters, 22 and 17. My husband and I have been married for 27 years. He is a good man, hard worker and loves our girls. The girls and I have a fantastic relationship and successfully survived the pre-teen/early teen mom hatred phase. But my husband is pretty hard on them, critical even. He has very high expectations of them still in school and in life in general. They are good girls, don't get into much trouble, but nonetheless are young girls. To be clear, he isn't abusive or mean, physically or verbally. He's just a tough cookie.
My problem is that I feud with my husband about this all the time. I don't want to fight with him but find myself constantly defending the girls (even when they are in the wrong sometimes). He tells me that I'm to much their "friend" and not enough their "mother". I feel he needs to lighten up and just let them be, they will be fine whatever choices they make at this point. I've suggested we go to therapy but that is SO not an option for him.
We are at an impasse. We have debated child rearing our entire marriage. I am so worn out struggling over this and thought it would get better as they got older, but it isn't.
Any advice?
Momma Bear
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Dear Momma Bear,
First of all, I want to say congratulations on keeping your marriage together for 27 years! That's not an easy feat.
On to your question... I think this is an age old fight, regardless of the kid's age and I believe there is generally a gender gap when it comes to discipline. Mommas tend to lean toward nurturing and forgiving the kids for their mistakes with a "don't do it again" attitude while Dads are less forgiving about it. But here's the deal... your girls are soon going to be out in the world on their own. I know you want to do whatever you can to protect them from feeling any pain, but as long as what Dad is doing isn't emotionally or physically abusive and he's showing them love and support for the things they do right, a little no-excuses tough love is going to help prepare them for the real world. In the end, it comes down to this.... do you want to allow this to drive a wedge between you and your husband? Especially when, in a pretty short while, it's just going to be the two of you at home? You've made it this far and are in the home stretch!!
From the things you said about him, it sounds like he's a good guy. My suggestion is this: perhaps you could each take a step towards the other on this issue. You even said that sometimes you find yourself standing up for them even when you know they are wrong. You have to stop doing that!! It's sending the wrong message to the girls.
Also, you said he's critical of the girls. Many times, it's not WHAT we say but HOW we say it. So perhaps instead of taking issue with what he says to them, work with him to phrase it in a less critical manner. Encourage him to be sure he's making it known to the girls when he is proud of them or when they do something right so it doesn't feel to them that he's only on them when they do something wrong. Try to take the emotion out of discipline and accept that just because we would handle it differently doesn't make our way right and their way wrong. I wish you the best of luck!!
Later, Paula, TMM
Dear Momma Bear,
First of all, I want to say congratulations on keeping your marriage together for 27 years! That's not an easy feat.
On to your question... I think this is an age old fight, regardless of the kid's age and I believe there is generally a gender gap when it comes to discipline. Mommas tend to lean toward nurturing and forgiving the kids for their mistakes with a "don't do it again" attitude while Dads are less forgiving about it. But here's the deal... your girls are soon going to be out in the world on their own. I know you want to do whatever you can to protect them from feeling any pain, but as long as what Dad is doing isn't emotionally or physically abusive and he's showing them love and support for the things they do right, a little no-excuses tough love is going to help prepare them for the real world. In the end, it comes down to this.... do you want to allow this to drive a wedge between you and your husband? Especially when, in a pretty short while, it's just going to be the two of you at home? You've made it this far and are in the home stretch!!
From the things you said about him, it sounds like he's a good guy. My suggestion is this: perhaps you could each take a step towards the other on this issue. You even said that sometimes you find yourself standing up for them even when you know they are wrong. You have to stop doing that!! It's sending the wrong message to the girls.
Also, you said he's critical of the girls. Many times, it's not WHAT we say but HOW we say it. So perhaps instead of taking issue with what he says to them, work with him to phrase it in a less critical manner. Encourage him to be sure he's making it known to the girls when he is proud of them or when they do something right so it doesn't feel to them that he's only on them when they do something wrong. Try to take the emotion out of discipline and accept that just because we would handle it differently doesn't make our way right and their way wrong. I wish you the best of luck!!
Later, Paula, TMM
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