Plain Jane

Dear Mouthy Mommas,

My husband works with a bunch of horny ass women that are all reading the 50 Shades triology. After badgering me to death (assumably because he has heard so much about the damn book and he wanted to get lucky) I finally gave in and got the series.

I loved it! No wonder all these women are so horny!

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and although I think we have a great sexual relationship, in reading these books I've learned we are quite vanilla. I even had to google some of the stuff to learn what they were talking about in the book! We haven't tried most of that stuff... even talking in bed (sexually) is a bit of a stretch for us other than the usual moans.

SO... how do I go about talking about possibly experimenting with some of this stuff? It seems so weird, we talk about EVERYTHING else (and other's sex stories!) but I'm not terribly confident to bring it up to him.

Any suggestive ice breakers?

Plain Jane

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Janie, Janie, Janie,

Yes, we can help!  You have turned to the right group!

First off, if you have been married for 15 years and still consider yourselves "vanilla lovers", it is time girlfriend for you to get off the pot!  If your man hasn't tried to convince you of other stuff I can almost guarantee you that he's thinking about it!  Maybe you happened to marry the 1% of men on the planet that doesn't think about sex 24 / 7 with everyone and anyone?!  Congratulations to you!

For starters, this doesn't have to be so confrontational.  Start slow.  The next time you are under the covers together (presumably with the lights off, half clothed and shades drawn), whisper something in his ear.  Anything.  Make it simple.  "Oh baby, I want you".  See, simple.  Nothing to racy, but if both of you aren't accustomed to that foreplay it will most certainly raise his flag... I mean attention.

50 Shades actually can help you with this scenario.  Use it to your advantage!  When the kids go to bed (assuming you have any) tell him you have just GOT to share with him what happened to Ana and Christian in the last chapter.  You just cannot BELIEVE it!  Act seriously shocked (but be careful not to act appalled, especially if it is something you want to try.  He may infer you DON'T want to try it if you go overboard!

Read it to him.  Give him a smile.  Say simply "that sounds kinda interesting, fun, exceptional, exhillerating..." insert fave word there.  Get flirty... it really will work to your advantage!  Smack him on the hiney in the kitchen and tell him you have great plans for Saturday night.  Or something along those lines.  Let him know you are GAME to try it! 

He obviously is a nice guy to have not pushed you by now.  He may need a little confidence nudge to know it's okay to proceed into the "dark world" together.  Come on over, sister... it's FUN here!

Oh - and one more thing.  This is important.  When in your bed (or your car, or the rocking chair, or the stairs), remember somewhere in your tryst to whisper to him that complete and utter trust and privacy is withheld in your marriage.  Make sure knows you have no intention of blabbing about your adventures.  The more he trusts you will keep it in the bed (or the chair, or the car or the stairs) the more adventureous he will become with you.  Men struggle with vulnerability so he has to trust you aren't going to out him in front of his friends.

To quote a line from "What Happens In Vegas"...

"I really appreciate all the things you are trying with my butt."
~ Jason Sudeikis as Mason

Yep, you gotta keep that stuff on lockdown.  No man wants that out!

Good luck to progressing from Plain to Adventurous Jane! 

Smooch! Jen, TMM

Hot for the Momma

Dear Mouthy Mommas,

I am a lucky guy that married the love of my life 8 years ago. We have a blended family, a daughter from my first marriage and two kids (6 and 4) together. My wife is FANTASTIC. She works full time plus raises our beautiful kids. I work a pretty hectic schedule, leaving usually by 6 am and not getting home until around 6, 6:30 at night. By the time I get home, I'm absolutely EXHAUSTED (I have a manual labor job).

What tips can you give me to prioritize how I can best help my wife at night? We don't have a lot of intimate time together because she is always so busy with dinner, dishes, baths, etc. I try to chip in where I can but I always feel like I'm stepping on her toes. She has routines and I love that organization about her, but I also want some time with HER at night! I miss her all day long and want that closeness together that we had before the kids came. 

Suggestions?

Hot for the Momma

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Dear Hot for the Momma,

Let me first just say that the world needs more men like you.  I am incredibly lucky to have a husband whose sole purpose in life is to make me happy and provide for our family, but I know of MANY women who cannot say the same thing.  Read the blog entry just before this one for a shining example.  I commend you for your dedication to your family and the woman you love.

Now, let’s see if I can help you with your situation.  I say, take this back to the very basics.  The fundamental key to any successful relationship is communication.  Have you ever just sat down with your wife and talked about all of this?  We, as women, tend to take on as much as we possibly can without giving it much thought.  If it pertains to the house or the kids or our husbands, we just do it.  As many balls in the air as we can manage at one time, resulting in quite the juggling act.  But we do it,  because it’s our job.  Add in the fact that your wife works full time outside of the home (and is probably in a “zone” or “groove” when she gets home that just continues until everything is done) and you have one very busy Momma.  Unless she is just a “Type-A”, control freak, organizational Nazi, she probably does all of this because she thinks she has no other choice.  This is not your fault.  She may be trying to do it all because she sees how hard you work and doesn’t want to add more to YOUR full schedule. 

Here is where you can help.  Find some kid-free time to sit down and have a one on one talk with her.  Tell her how you feel.  That, although you are tired when you get home, you still want to help her in some way.  Let her know that you appreciate everything she does and that while you love that you are now “Mommy and Daddy” you miss her and you don’t want to lose sight of the “Husband and Wife” you started out as.  Remind her that while kids and jobs are wonderful blessings, they can also wreak havoc on a marriage if you lose sight of the love that brought you together in the first place.   Tell her that you want to find some time, each night if possible, to spend with her.  Ask her if maybe you could take over dish duty while she does bath time.  Or maybe you could do it all together to kill two birds with one stone.  Whatever you can agree on to lighten her load and free up some time.  Once you’ve done that, spend your new-found time together.  After dinner, go on a quick family walk where the two of you hold hands and hang back a little from the kids so you can talk about your days’.  Go outside and let the kids play while the two of you have a glass of tea, or maybe even wine, while you watch from the deck or porch.  Put on a kid friendly movie or show.  While the kids are watching, the two of you can snuggle on the couch.  You may not have a ton of time but whatever time you CAN find, will be meaningful. 

You’re in what I call the “lean years”.  The time when your kids are still young enough to consume pretty much all of your time and energy, leaving almost no time for yourselves.  These years don’t last forever even though at the moment, it feels like they will.  In order for a marriage to make it through the “lean years” both people have to make the marriage a priority.  Even when it feels like more work than it’s worth.  Believe me.  It IS worth it.  When the kids are finally all grown up and leave the house, you want to be standing there together as you wave goodbye, still very much in love.  Not strangers who still happen to be married.  

Also, just FYI… “Foreplay” takes on a whole new definition once there are kids involved.  A “look” across the room holds a lot more meaning than it used to.  Coming up behind her and kissing her on the neck while she does the dishes goes a LONG way.  A kiss and a whispered “thank you” in her ear will ALWAYS be welcomed.  Grabbing a vacuum or folding some laundry when she doesn’t ask, is unbelievably sexy (or at least it is in my book).  Making her laugh is never a bad thing and also reduces her stress level.  Anything to keep the spark alive during the “lean years” will make your marriage that much stronger.  Enjoy your years with your children but keep your eye on the prize.  Before you know it, they’ll be gone.  And you’ll be writing us with a new problem.

“Dear Mouthy Mommas,  Since the kids are gone and we’ve retired, my wife and I spend ALL of our time together.  Can you help me find her a friend or a hobby so I don’t lose my mind???”  J

Love, Tracye, TMM

Frustrated with Domestication

Dear Mouthy Mommas,

My husband and I both work full time, have three kids and own a home.  I've been married for 8 years.  I become extremely resentful come Friday over our household division of labor (if you can call it that).  I am constantly managing all of the duties of the house.  My kids are still young (5, 3 and 1) so I don't expect them to pull a lot of weight just yet but I cannot get my husband to throw his clothes in the hamper let alone the damn washer.  I'm pulling my hair out, staying up until midnight every night just to try to keep our heads above water with the chores.  I even mow the lawn!!

Should I just kick his butt to the curb or what? (Joke... sort of)  How do I get my husband to lift his finger around the house and HELP ME?

Frustrated with Domestication 

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Dear Frustrated,


First, I want you to know you are not alone on this!  Unfortunately, I think this is one of many issues that haunt women til the end of time!  


Unless your husband is truly worth breaking up your family and kicking him to the curb, I honestly believe there is hope with a little "manipulation".  You have to out smart him.  You both entered marriage as equal partners yet there is nothing equal about this situation.


YOU have the power to make it equal!  Start with baby steps!  Without saying a word to him, just stop doing his laundry.  In a few days, when he is in need of socks or underwear, I am sure he will ask you if you have done the laundry.  What a crazy question... of course you have!  Why did his things not get washed?  Because they were not in the basket!  You do not have time to gather all the clothes in all the rooms and sort through it all.  Tell him from now on if it is not in the basket then it doesn't get washed.  Your kids could even participate in this one.  Once he accomplishes the simple task of putting his clothes in the hamper, it is time for the next step.. getting him to start a load of laundry!  I have a basket for darks, whites and things that do not get dried.  Set up a basket system that works for your household.  Tell him which basket you "need" him to put in the wash or transfer to the dryer.  If you start a load in the morning and he gets home first, leave him a note, call or text him to put it in the dryer!  I like notes because there can be no excuses!  I tape mine to the door!  It is right in front of his face when he walks in. 


Like I said... baby steps.  He will be doing more laundry without even realizing it.  


Unless you are going to mow for exercise, STOP!  Try asking your husband "Are you going to mow today or this weekend?" (whenever it will need it).  Or suggest to him you have too much to do to mow so if he isn't then you are going to look into hiring a yard service.  Even if it is not within your budget, dropping a bomb like that may open his eyes that you are serious and force him off the sofa or golf course for an hour.  


I have a friend (a stay at home mom) that actually started paying herself for things like cleaning the house, cooking, mowing and any errands her husband needs her to do and gives her husband the bill.  Yes, he laughed it off at first.  But it showed him what he would have to pay someone else to get everything done!


I don't know what all you have tried, but I am sure if he is like most men, it goes right in one ear and out the other during a conversation.  If your husband is a visual person, take 20 minutes and write everything that you do vs. what he does.  List out what you need help with and show him.  Express to him that you have reached your limit and cannot do it alone one more day.  You are exhausted and would like to enjoy your weekends like your husband does.  


Sometimes deciding what is the most important thing to get done and focusing on that while letting everything else go can help.  There is always going to be laundry, mowing, cleaning, cooking, errands and kids activities.  In the end, you have the power to determine what you are not going to let drive you crazy.  Good luck!


Ciao, Kelly, TMM

Momma Bear

Dear Mouthy Mommas,

I find myself in a strange quandary as my kids get older and I'm hoping you can help me!

I have two daughters, 22 and 17.  My husband and I have been married for 27 years.  He is a good man, hard worker and loves our girls.  The girls and I have a fantastic relationship and successfully survived the pre-teen/early teen mom hatred phase.  But my husband is pretty hard on them, critical even.  He has very high expectations of them still in school and in life in general.  They are good girls, don't get into much trouble, but nonetheless are young girls.  To be clear, he isn't abusive or mean, physically or verbally.  He's just a tough cookie.

My problem is that I feud with my husband about this all the time.  I don't want to fight with him but find myself constantly defending the girls (even when they are in the wrong sometimes).  He tells me that I'm to much their "friend" and not enough their "mother".  I feel he needs to lighten up and just let them be, they will be fine whatever choices they make at this point.  I've suggested we go to therapy but that is SO not an option for him.

We are at an impasse.  We have debated child rearing our entire marriage.  I am so worn out struggling over this and thought it would get better as they got older, but it isn't.

Any advice?

Momma Bear

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Dear Momma Bear,

First of all, I want to say congratulations on keeping your marriage together for 27 years!  That's not an easy feat.


On to your question... I think this is an age old fight, regardless of the kid's age and I believe there is generally a gender gap when it comes to discipline.  Mommas tend to lean toward nurturing and forgiving the kids for their mistakes with a "don't do it again" attitude while Dads are less forgiving about it.  But here's the deal... your girls are soon going to be out in the world on their own.  I know you want to do whatever you can to protect them from feeling any pain, but as long as what Dad is doing isn't emotionally or physically abusive and he's showing them love and support for the things they do right, a little no-excuses tough love is going to help prepare them for the real world.  In the end, it comes down to this.... do you want to allow this to drive a wedge between you and your husband?  Especially when, in a pretty short while, it's just going to be the two of you at home?  You've made it this far and are in the home stretch!!


From the things you said about him, it sounds like he's a good guy.  My suggestion is this:  perhaps you could each take a step towards the other on this issue.  You even said that sometimes you find yourself standing up for them even when you know they are wrong.  You have to stop doing that!!  It's sending the wrong message to the girls.


Also, you said he's critical of the girls.  Many times, it's not WHAT we say but HOW we say it.  So perhaps instead of taking issue with what he says to them, work with him to phrase it in a less critical manner.  Encourage him to be sure he's making it known to the girls when he is proud of them or when they do something right so it doesn't feel to them that he's only on them when they do something wrong.  Try to take the emotion out of discipline and accept that just because we would handle it differently doesn't make our way right and their way wrong.  I wish you the best of luck!!

Later, Paula, TMM

Desperate Domestic Goddess

Dear Mouthy Mommas,

My hubby and I have been arguing lately about what age is appropriate for a child to start doing chores.  Not heavy lifting, mind you.  But simple stuff, like loading and unloading the dishwasher, setting or clearing the dinner table, putting away their own laundry, etc.  What age do you think they should pull their weight around the house?  Does it matter if they are a boy or a girl?  Should we pay them?  I'd love to hear your opinion so I can prove him wrong!

Desperate Domestic Goddess

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Dear Desperate DG,

First and foremost, it doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl.  This is 2012 and you should know how to do the tasks required to run a household!  Boys may need to do their laundry and girls may need to mow their yard without having to get a guy to do it.  Although the children at our household don't have set chores that they do every week, I do expect that when asked to help with jobs around the house they participate willingly.  This is part of being a family.  This is part of being in a relationship:  helping those that you love.  This may start as early as 2 when it may mean helping mom or dad by running to grab an item, picking up toys and putting them in the basket, and progresses as they are able to accomplish bigger chores.  Unless it is something that I deem out of the ordinary, I do not expect to have to pay my children to clean their room or put away their dishes.  Until I get a paycheck for cooking dinner, getting the lunch (that I made and they forgot) to school and driving them to practices, games and other activities (that I pay and provide equipment for). I will make payment in small odd jobs that teach them to be better human beings and give them a fighting chance at becoming good roommates as they venture out on their own and someday, respected spouses who contribute to the needs of their own households because their mom and dad taught them it was the right thing to do.

Fight the good fight, Goddess!

See ya, Mel, TMM

P.S.  I find one experience with the Clorox wipes and the toilet improves aim better than Cherrios ever could!

Genuine Gym Momma

Dear Mouthy Mommas,

My first born child is an awesome gymnast at just 5 years old!  She is already at a Level 3 and she absolutely LOVES spending time at the gym with her teachers and friends, doing what she loves to do.  I have enrolled her in a Boot Camp for the summer which is 20 hours per week in the gym.  Ack!  I have another younger child as well (plus a full time job, a husband and two step children) and this is a pretty grueling schedule for all of us but we are managing it quite well.  How do I know how much practice is to much practice?  If she isn't complaining and she's excited to go, how do I know if it is pushing her to far?  

Genuine Gym Momma

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Dear Genuine Gym,

From one “Genuine Gym Mom” to another, I think I can help shed some light on what you will find is quite the controversial topic among the average group of playground or PTA Moms.  The average Mom can’t fathom their average preschooler or kindergartner spending countless hours at the gym.  They of course are all knowing and will look upon you as the worst kind of pushy Mom there is.  I know this first hand!  I have 2 gymnasts-a daughter that’s retired and a son that is contemplating retirement.  (Actually, it’s more ME that’s contemplating it but that’s a story for another blog).  After 14 years in the sport (as a Mom, not counting the years I did it) let’s just say I have a little experience.  Gymnastics is not a sport for everyone.  In fact, it’s a sport for a very select few.  Oh, lots of kids try it but very few people have what it takes to truly be a competitive gymnast.  It’s a sport that no one thinks about but once every four years when the Summer Olympics comes on and then the gyms see a flood of kids that fall in love with the glamorous athletes they saw doing all those cool things on TV.  After a couple of months, though, the flood gets thinned out.  The natural selection process has taken place and the kids are divided up according to ability, natural talent and drive.  Survival of the fittest….before they’ve even met their Kindergarten teacher.  You see, gymnasts are a class of athletes all of their own, and Women’s gymnastics is in an even different class than Men’s.  Think of it like this: Men’s gymnastics is like a marathon, where Women’s is like a sprint.  Men may start at roughly the same age as girls but their “career” has a much longer potential.  The male body is made differently than ours, and they “peak” at a much older age.  Blaine Wilson competed in his last Olympics at the age of 31.  You will NEVER see a 31 year old woman in the Olympics.  Other than the handful of girls that manage to make it to the elite level, Girls’ careers are typically over by the time they reach puberty, for a multitude of reasons.  The hours spent in the gym are definitely not glamorous.  They are exhausting, grueling, and painful.  Girls spend more hours in the gym at an earlier age because they have to reach their highest potential as young as possible.  It takes a certain type of person to not only keep up with the demands of being a gymnast but also enjoy it.  No matter how old your daughter is, if she can spend hours at the gym, being pushed both physically and mentally, and still come home smiling, you already have your answer.  That’s not to say that she’s not going to have bad days, she will.  LOTS!  But that’s the nature of the beast.  Nothing is rosy all the time.  The very best of marriages see conflict.  Professional athletes don’t LOVE their job every single day.  Even Valedictorians have days that they don’t want to study or go to school, but they all stick with it because it matters to them.  It’s what they love.  Our tendency as parents is to second guess every single decision that we make for our child, especially ones that may be outside of our comfort zone or realm of expertise.  Throw in some self doubt and you’ll have a full blown panic attack over whether or not you are sending your child on a train that’s careening toward derailment….daily.  Children are much more resilient and knowledgeable than we give them credit for.  Take your cues from her and her coach.  NO ONE ELSE.  YOU know her better than anyone.  Her coach will be spending almost as much time with her as you will in the next few years, so they will know her well, too.  Keep all lines of communication open between those 3 parties and you should be fine.  When she starts having more bad days than good AND voices that she doesn’t love it anymore, it’s time to have a discussion.  Until then, let her be a part of (what I think) is one of the greatest sports in the world….while she’s still young enough.  (Oh, and just FYI…almost all of the girls on my daughter’s team were not only Honor students, they were “all A” Honor students, even after spending 25 to 30 hours at the gym each week.)  The commitment you learn at the gym doesn’t just stop at the gym; it has a tendency to spill over into all other aspects of your life.

Love, Tracye, TMM

Peer Pressured Popularity

Dear Mouthy Mommas,

My 11 year old daughter came to me last night asking if she could sleep over at a friend's house.  This friend lives in our neighborhood just a few streets away, yet I do not know her (or her parents).  I do, however, have some preconceived opinions about this little girl as she has attended school with my daughter for the past 5 years.  She tends to hang around with the trouble maker girls, always known to be mischievous and bratty.  My daughter is BEGGING me to let her stay the night with this little girl.  Should I cave in and let her go or should I put my foot down and say no?  Obviously I want my daughter to have lots of friends and I know I can't "pick them" for her but I want to protect her from getting herself into trouble.

Peer Pressured Popularity

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Dear PPP,

So you are judging this child by what you have heard about her at school?!  Come on now.  How would you feel if parents were going around judging your little angel?  My advice is get to know the parents before letting your daughter go over there, but I say give her a chance. If you trust your daughter, it's just one night.  Yes, this girl may be the Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohen of her time in the making, but she could also be the Oprah Winfrey or Hilary Clinton!  I agree we want our kids to be popular, but our kids may not care.  They may not think like us, have the same views as us, or even like the same type of people we like.  You should let your daughter pick her own friends but don't stay too far behind as you have the final say on who is she is allowed to hang out with until she's 18 (we hope).  So now is the time you have to put your preconceived notions aside, meet her parents and let your daughter go over and have some fun.  You never know... she may come back and despise the child and you never have to hear of it again!

Peace, Kina, TMM

Because we all need help every once in awhile!

Welcome to The Mouthy Mommas blog!  We are so excited you have stopped by to check us out.

Our blog is a collaboration of some SASSY mommas and their advice to YOU.  Think of an updated "Dear Abby" for the 21st century.  I have the BEST group of friends that are firecracker mommas.  They work their tails off between outside work, housework, raising kids, managing husbands, ex-husbands, step kids and more.  They deserve a medal every single day just for getting out of bed.

Don't we all?!

So we've started an advice blog.  Every momma freaks out on what to do with kids, husbands, in-laws, ex-laws, etc.  We know you need help because so do we!  These sassy mommas will help you navigate through all the crap... I mean, they will respond.  Because that's what we do... fix stuff.

Please be patient as the blog continues to evolve. In the meantime, watch for our upcoming blog posts (Q&A)! 

Because we said so,

The Mouthy Mommas