Hot for the Momma

Dear Mouthy Mommas,

I am a lucky guy that married the love of my life 8 years ago. We have a blended family, a daughter from my first marriage and two kids (6 and 4) together. My wife is FANTASTIC. She works full time plus raises our beautiful kids. I work a pretty hectic schedule, leaving usually by 6 am and not getting home until around 6, 6:30 at night. By the time I get home, I'm absolutely EXHAUSTED (I have a manual labor job).

What tips can you give me to prioritize how I can best help my wife at night? We don't have a lot of intimate time together because she is always so busy with dinner, dishes, baths, etc. I try to chip in where I can but I always feel like I'm stepping on her toes. She has routines and I love that organization about her, but I also want some time with HER at night! I miss her all day long and want that closeness together that we had before the kids came. 

Suggestions?

Hot for the Momma

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Dear Hot for the Momma,

Let me first just say that the world needs more men like you.  I am incredibly lucky to have a husband whose sole purpose in life is to make me happy and provide for our family, but I know of MANY women who cannot say the same thing.  Read the blog entry just before this one for a shining example.  I commend you for your dedication to your family and the woman you love.

Now, let’s see if I can help you with your situation.  I say, take this back to the very basics.  The fundamental key to any successful relationship is communication.  Have you ever just sat down with your wife and talked about all of this?  We, as women, tend to take on as much as we possibly can without giving it much thought.  If it pertains to the house or the kids or our husbands, we just do it.  As many balls in the air as we can manage at one time, resulting in quite the juggling act.  But we do it,  because it’s our job.  Add in the fact that your wife works full time outside of the home (and is probably in a “zone” or “groove” when she gets home that just continues until everything is done) and you have one very busy Momma.  Unless she is just a “Type-A”, control freak, organizational Nazi, she probably does all of this because she thinks she has no other choice.  This is not your fault.  She may be trying to do it all because she sees how hard you work and doesn’t want to add more to YOUR full schedule. 

Here is where you can help.  Find some kid-free time to sit down and have a one on one talk with her.  Tell her how you feel.  That, although you are tired when you get home, you still want to help her in some way.  Let her know that you appreciate everything she does and that while you love that you are now “Mommy and Daddy” you miss her and you don’t want to lose sight of the “Husband and Wife” you started out as.  Remind her that while kids and jobs are wonderful blessings, they can also wreak havoc on a marriage if you lose sight of the love that brought you together in the first place.   Tell her that you want to find some time, each night if possible, to spend with her.  Ask her if maybe you could take over dish duty while she does bath time.  Or maybe you could do it all together to kill two birds with one stone.  Whatever you can agree on to lighten her load and free up some time.  Once you’ve done that, spend your new-found time together.  After dinner, go on a quick family walk where the two of you hold hands and hang back a little from the kids so you can talk about your days’.  Go outside and let the kids play while the two of you have a glass of tea, or maybe even wine, while you watch from the deck or porch.  Put on a kid friendly movie or show.  While the kids are watching, the two of you can snuggle on the couch.  You may not have a ton of time but whatever time you CAN find, will be meaningful. 

You’re in what I call the “lean years”.  The time when your kids are still young enough to consume pretty much all of your time and energy, leaving almost no time for yourselves.  These years don’t last forever even though at the moment, it feels like they will.  In order for a marriage to make it through the “lean years” both people have to make the marriage a priority.  Even when it feels like more work than it’s worth.  Believe me.  It IS worth it.  When the kids are finally all grown up and leave the house, you want to be standing there together as you wave goodbye, still very much in love.  Not strangers who still happen to be married.  

Also, just FYI… “Foreplay” takes on a whole new definition once there are kids involved.  A “look” across the room holds a lot more meaning than it used to.  Coming up behind her and kissing her on the neck while she does the dishes goes a LONG way.  A kiss and a whispered “thank you” in her ear will ALWAYS be welcomed.  Grabbing a vacuum or folding some laundry when she doesn’t ask, is unbelievably sexy (or at least it is in my book).  Making her laugh is never a bad thing and also reduces her stress level.  Anything to keep the spark alive during the “lean years” will make your marriage that much stronger.  Enjoy your years with your children but keep your eye on the prize.  Before you know it, they’ll be gone.  And you’ll be writing us with a new problem.

“Dear Mouthy Mommas,  Since the kids are gone and we’ve retired, my wife and I spend ALL of our time together.  Can you help me find her a friend or a hobby so I don’t lose my mind???”  J

Love, Tracye, TMM