Frustrated with Domestication

Dear Mouthy Mommas,

My husband and I both work full time, have three kids and own a home.  I've been married for 8 years.  I become extremely resentful come Friday over our household division of labor (if you can call it that).  I am constantly managing all of the duties of the house.  My kids are still young (5, 3 and 1) so I don't expect them to pull a lot of weight just yet but I cannot get my husband to throw his clothes in the hamper let alone the damn washer.  I'm pulling my hair out, staying up until midnight every night just to try to keep our heads above water with the chores.  I even mow the lawn!!

Should I just kick his butt to the curb or what? (Joke... sort of)  How do I get my husband to lift his finger around the house and HELP ME?

Frustrated with Domestication 

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Dear Frustrated,


First, I want you to know you are not alone on this!  Unfortunately, I think this is one of many issues that haunt women til the end of time!  


Unless your husband is truly worth breaking up your family and kicking him to the curb, I honestly believe there is hope with a little "manipulation".  You have to out smart him.  You both entered marriage as equal partners yet there is nothing equal about this situation.


YOU have the power to make it equal!  Start with baby steps!  Without saying a word to him, just stop doing his laundry.  In a few days, when he is in need of socks or underwear, I am sure he will ask you if you have done the laundry.  What a crazy question... of course you have!  Why did his things not get washed?  Because they were not in the basket!  You do not have time to gather all the clothes in all the rooms and sort through it all.  Tell him from now on if it is not in the basket then it doesn't get washed.  Your kids could even participate in this one.  Once he accomplishes the simple task of putting his clothes in the hamper, it is time for the next step.. getting him to start a load of laundry!  I have a basket for darks, whites and things that do not get dried.  Set up a basket system that works for your household.  Tell him which basket you "need" him to put in the wash or transfer to the dryer.  If you start a load in the morning and he gets home first, leave him a note, call or text him to put it in the dryer!  I like notes because there can be no excuses!  I tape mine to the door!  It is right in front of his face when he walks in. 


Like I said... baby steps.  He will be doing more laundry without even realizing it.  


Unless you are going to mow for exercise, STOP!  Try asking your husband "Are you going to mow today or this weekend?" (whenever it will need it).  Or suggest to him you have too much to do to mow so if he isn't then you are going to look into hiring a yard service.  Even if it is not within your budget, dropping a bomb like that may open his eyes that you are serious and force him off the sofa or golf course for an hour.  


I have a friend (a stay at home mom) that actually started paying herself for things like cleaning the house, cooking, mowing and any errands her husband needs her to do and gives her husband the bill.  Yes, he laughed it off at first.  But it showed him what he would have to pay someone else to get everything done!


I don't know what all you have tried, but I am sure if he is like most men, it goes right in one ear and out the other during a conversation.  If your husband is a visual person, take 20 minutes and write everything that you do vs. what he does.  List out what you need help with and show him.  Express to him that you have reached your limit and cannot do it alone one more day.  You are exhausted and would like to enjoy your weekends like your husband does.  


Sometimes deciding what is the most important thing to get done and focusing on that while letting everything else go can help.  There is always going to be laundry, mowing, cleaning, cooking, errands and kids activities.  In the end, you have the power to determine what you are not going to let drive you crazy.  Good luck!


Ciao, Kelly, TMM